Today I am very tired, I am trying to make a memory every moment but the pain comes and I surrender to the drugs that bring relief. I worry that you will not know how deeply I love you. When you have a daughter and you will that challenges everything and you did , it is hard on a Mother. It was my job to protect you , to allow you to keep your innocence as long as possible. I failed. Instead I watched you never take the easy path. But watching you soar has been so wonderful, and never allowing anyone to make your decisions has been so frustrating. So when you were perhaps 4, we had to go to a formal tea in honour of your grandmother. I set your dress out , a pretty green smocked dress and I sat you down and said ” Meggie just this once could you please wear this dress and not argue and wear your pretty black shoes for me ?” You said yes and even let me put ribbons in your curls. As we got to go out to the car I looked down and while you did have on the shoes you and 2 different colour socks on. I rolled my eyes and you said am I pretty Mama. I realized right then how beautiful my daughter was that in making it nice for me you still kept part of you. When we got to Grandmothers, she was all dressed in finery and looked at you, I heard some giggles in the background and saw the stern look on my mothers face. What happened next was a gift from my Mother to us both. She turned around and said I don’t understand, why is it my granddaughter was the only one to dress properly for a mad hatters tea party?Then my mother looked at me and said “conforming is not living Deidre, I am sorry it took me so long to understand that.” I guess what I am trying to say is let your kids live , not conform. Somehow with you I dont think this advice is needed but I am a mother so I give it anyhow.