HOW TO MAKE A HAT, BY KYTHRYNE AISLING, AGE VERY CRANKY

Cast on 42 stitches on size 13 needles per pattern directions. Knit for a few rows. Decide to see if hat will fit on head. Curse. Rip back. Find size 15 tips, cast on 42 stitches. Knit for a few rows. Try on. Curse some more. Rip back and start over. Re-wind yarn into two balls of approximately equal size, cast on 42 stitches with yarn held double. Knit for a few rows. Try on. Discover that it fits, but you hate the way the yarn looks held double. Curse. Rip back. Decide to ignore pattern.

Next time, cast on 50 stitches and glare threateningly while knitting a few rows. Try on, discover that it fits. Go find pain drugs and a glass of water. Knit some more while waiting for the pain drugs to kick in. Remind spouse that it is spouse’s turn to cook dinner. Knit some more while reminding spouse how food is made. Eventually stagger downstairs, eat dinner, and then continue knitting in the dark while watching Angel s5.

At some point, decide that you want more of a beret-shaped hat and begin increasing at regular intervals. Continue until hat is interestingly shaped and you’re running out of yarn. Begin decreasing very rapidly, using a convoluted version of magic loop when you get towards the end because you’re too lazy to go upstairs and find the tips and cables to make a second set of 15s. Break yarn, run through remaining stitches, pull tight.

Admire hat for a few minutes. Notice that you didn’t quite use up all the yarn. Decide that a pompom is utterly necessary. Attempt to remember how to make one. Give up and ask the internet how to make a pompom. Remove cat from leftover yarn. Follow instructions in a half-assed sort of way and attach resulting lopsided pompom to top of hat. Weave in ends.

Show hat to spouse, while declaring LOOK I MADE A HAT! Sulk when spouse is unimpressed. Insist that spouse admire your fine hat. (Threaten to withold pie if necessary.) Put hat on head. Take picture and show to the internet, who will be more appreciative than spouse.