Representing the process of following the pattern and trusting it will work-- in life and in textile art. Each square calls to mind a specific play or moment during the trip. The first, V O I D, represents the dark weariness I felt while attempting to deal with jet lag--I never truly got on a regular sleep schedule, and when I got home I bounced back into my normal sleeping routine within a day because I’d never adjusted. The eye was freeform crochet applique, and the strip of paper was from my first set of train tickets while traveling to the university we stayed in.

The next square, which says TO BE OR NOT, is in stark white with bright red lettering and border. this square represents the play “Anatomy of a Suicide,” which I viewed at the Young Vic. It was a phenomenal play following the lives and intertwined stories of three generations of women as they struggled with depression and suicidal ideation. The play also follows the after-effects of suicide on loved ones of those who take their lives. This play was incredibly hard to watch, and was triggering to me in the truest sense of the word. The idea for the wording came from me considering the differences in all the plays we were watching, as well as attempting to deal with such a disturbing play. The line “I have stayed as long as I can,” spoken by one of the woman as she calmly tells her doctor she will take her own life as soon as her daughter is “grown up,” resonated through my head. “To be or not” calls to mind Hamlet as he considers taking his own life.

The next piece in the work is a ticket from the play we were scheduled to see in Stratford-Upon-Avon with the Royal Shakespeare Company, which was Titus Andronicus. I was unable to stay for the entire play, as the director made the choice to portray sexual assault onstage, rather than off-stage as in the original script. This made me have to leave, as I immediately wanted to cry and throw up and yell and shake something and-- It was too much. On the front of the ticket I scrawled out some words about how I couldn’t breathe and how all I could hear when I closed was my eyes was him (the actor) dragging her (the actress) and her screaming. On the back of the ticket, I wrote over and over “how could you do this to me?” This ticket represents my own struggle to deal with my second sexual assault this past year, as well as the anger and helplessness I felt being in that theatre watching it happen as a plot device (which I could rant about forever, because WHAT THE FUCK?) and recalling what has happened to me.

The next square, with the grey weaving over it, is a representation of Shakespeare’s gardens and house. It was a lovely reprieve during an intense trip. In addition, the weaving binds up the square, representing how I often felt hemmed in and bound up tightly on the trip, being unable to sleep in my small room at night, in the heat, and being in the structure of school but in a completely different city.

The large square with the roses around the edge represents the Columbia Road Flower Market, which I adventured to on the second Sunday we were in the UK. I was able to take the time to recover and attempt to prepare for the upcoming week. The comfort and joy I felt at seeing the loud, wild blooms of lush green foliage and beautiful flowers is indescribable, and it made me feel free for the first time in the trip.

The last square is an attempt by me to recreate in a square the Cockcade ribbon that is worn during Les Miserables. Les Miserables is one of my favourite books, and play, of all time. It was an incredibly emotional experience to watch this play finally as it was designed to be seen, in the West End in London, with the stage and cast chosen for it. I was overjoyed to be in the theatre, and so many of the lines and refrains made me feel so moved. I reflected on the modern revolutionaries I have come into contact with, and whom I have been following; I thought of how the people in Les Miserables who were part of this movement and this moment in history (even though the story is fictional, the time period was not!) were average people, like me and my friends. I thought about how many people I know who are doing courageous, wondrous things, who are facing oppression and who are struggling every single day, and who make it seem like the simplest thing in the world, because they are just living as best as they can. The experience was powerful and made me feel hope and joy for my own future, and the future of our world.

The pieces have all been joined with free-form lace. I chose lace to call to mind the traditionally feminine nature of fiber and textile arts. However, there are deliberate holes and knots, which represents my own struggle within the patriarchal framework I’ve grown up in. In addition, lace is fragile, especially lace with holes in it. I felt, throughout this trip, incredibly fragile. I could not seem to find my own solid ground, no matter how hard I was working to try to be happy and positive. I also got very sick for the last 2 days of the trip, which completely took my legs out (literally and figuratively). The motif I chose, however, is very net-like. Even when I felt my most fragile, my most void, my most upset and dark and anxious and depressed, there was still a net of support under me to catch me. I had my partner, my family, the other people on the trip, who were there to help me recover and to grow.

Medium: acrylic yarn and thread. Size 6 hook and size 3 hook.